Guilt, unanswered questions haunt parents
Guilt, unanswered questions haunt parents
Knowing that the story of their son’s suicide might help other parents recognize the dangers of abusing anabolic steroids has brought solace to a Middleton couple.
But it is only a drop of consolation in a sea of grief.
When they first realized that Michael’s steroid ingestion probably sparked the depression that led to his death in June, the 19-year-old’s parents no longer had to ask why he did it.
But with some questions answered, there instantly were others: Why didn’t he come to us for help? Why didn’t we notice his drug abuse? Why didn’t his friends tell us?
In the three months since Michael shot himself in his bedroom, his mother says, the pain has not lessened.
“It never goes away,” she says. “I’m still thinking he still might come home.”
In the back yard of their home near Middleton’s southern edge, Michael’s parents recall how they began quizzing their son’s friends from various gyms about his steroid use, even as they filed past the closed casket at his wake.
“Even in the state of shock I was in, I asked them if he was taking steroids,” Michael’s father says.
But their attempts to find out exactly what Michael was taking and where he got it were often met with indifference from those who knew him at local gyms.
Phone caUs were not returned. Some who were contacted said they knew Michael was taking the drugs but would not be specific about amounts and types.
Many have said steroids are easily obtainable by anyone who wants them, but the conversations always end when Michael’s mother or father asks for names of dealers.
“Nobody calls back; they don’t want to talk,” his mother says in frustration. “I just don’t think they care.”
The grief of losing their oldest child, coupled with confusion over why he took his life, at first consumed the couple and their other three children. Trying to pinpoint the blame for his death put strains on the entire family, Michael’s father says.
“This can lead to all kinds of family problems,” he says.
“If you’re trying to assess blame, it can break up a marriage.”
While noting that learning about Michael’s steroid involvement has been a “big relief” in many ways, the teen’s father says he will never be able to answer all the questions.
“There will always be a certain amount of, ‘What did I do, what didn’t I do” he says.
Each time she learns about another side effect of anabolic steroids, memories rush into the mind of Michael’s mother.
She wonders now if her son kept his hair short in the months before his death to hide the hair loss that can accompany steroid use. She recalls his nagging cough and the colds that seemed to plague him last spring and wonders what she could have done if she had suspected they were steroid-related.
But eventually the analysis yields to any mother’s instincts. “If I just could have hugged him and told him I loved him,” she says.
“He must have been torn up inside and we didn’t see it,” she continues, succumbing to one of many onslaughts of tears that come and go every day. “I guess he’s at peace now.”
Nothing will bring back their son, but Michael’s parents hope that spreading the word about the dangers of anabolic steroids might prevent other families from having to go through what they are experiencing.
As Michael’s mother clutches what was her oldest son’s most prized possession a thick blue belt worn while powerlifting his father expresses the only ray of optimism they have gleaned from
their ordeal:
“We hope that some good can come from the bad.”
